ok but first what in the trench coat mafia 2022 picsmics is that welp anyway now time to rant! imagine im aggresivley rubbing my hands together alright wait... dejavu! um okay so basically when the whole thing went down in like.. i think it was february...? or something and you took that screenshot of her picking me up and yada yada yada, i was only really excited because like for that month or i guess that time period people actually liked me like i had just had 4 people tell me they liked me that week i got love letters i was asked for my number (like in a actual serious manner) and it was alot and that was the ego boost that probably shouldnt have been there its kinda like when i told you those people in grade school knew my name and said hi to me its like the feeling of being seen especially someone that i havent talked to,, like,, ever. i got actual flashbacks to the times i would write about you in my notebook and how i imagined you putting your arms around me.. wink wink nudge nudge THATS WHY I GO CRAZY WHEN U DO THAT!!! i know i said the kissing you part was like the thing ive always wanted,, but actually since like the 1st month i was writing how Red1 would stare deep into my soul and make everything better. that is the ULTIMATE CRAZY INSANE INCREASE BLOOD RATE BY 80 freaking insane one, like really.. and i was caught off gaurd by someone just randomly coming over and picking me up and looking me dead in the eye + what she told me since like thats all ive ever wanted.. ever.. but, not by her. again, its always been YOU. the only thing crossing my mind was deadass like this is insane i just wish it was Red1 doing this now, i might seem selfish because of this (because i am and im sorry) but me telling you that whole thing was kind of like my way of being like "hey i like this yea do you see how these things make me happy?" it was never her, it was never that random person we walk by it was never someone else, it was always and will always be you. ever since i met you i knew you were special. did i notice someone like her? and just leave you behind after all of the endless nights after the cold after the shakes? no, at that point i was still absoluutely intoxicated by you. do i care about her at all? no, we only say hi in asl,,, well we dont say it we sign it but whatever like i said id leave anyone for you id drop ANYTHING,, like if you seriously asked me to drop theatre to spend time with you i genuinley would, because i would rather be with you,, id always rather be with you so like honestly good point ^^ like rememeber the poem? i want you to choose our path i trust you to tell me whats right and wrong id never forgive myself if we i did anything other than your wishes which is why i always get so worked up about me looking you up and always asking people of you i just want to hear you say it again and again and again that you are okay with it also why i go insane and start hitting myself when i used to think of making out with you while like talking about uhh idk freaking jfk or something like i just want to do whats right i really do, i want you to cut my brain open and like be able to dissect it and know every last thought in it so that you know who i am ive always just wanted someone who i can tell anything to and theyd love me regardless i wouldnt have to care about thinking twice before i speak or my facial expressions i dont want that weary feeling constantly that im nothing i just want to be special to you thats all this has ever been i just want you to know that theres nobody else that makes me feel the way you make me feel nobody else has kept me awake at night till 3 am like just wondering what conversation starter ill use for the next day in 4th period without you i wouldnt have recorded our conversations when you werent there i WOULDNT record our conversations even if it was just for a second i wanted to hear you say my name no matter the context i just wanted to feel real to you if something ever feels wrong to you or you dont want me to do something no need to ask i dont care what it is because ill do anything for you!! tell me and ill do it, it crushed me knowing that out of all of the people you couldve chosen in that room you chose someone else, yea, thats why im bitter to people and whoever you bring up because they literally werent deserving of it and i was there the whole time and its not fair and thats why i got upset with you but really its just me i get it guys like i get it im not like people like that like i genuinely wish i could do what they do but i have such a hatred for those people the people because its people like you who notices them and not the person who genuinely would give their soul to just hear you say my name so yea for a fleeting second i got this tense feeling when heyli said those words but it wasnt out of like the feeling of like affection or attraction i was just genuienly taken aback that the scene of person a and b actually happened maybe not as intense lol but you know someone seeing another person like for example she said i love your style: which means she took notice of me to recognize how i dress like i know its so absolutely small but yea she doesnt even have a place in my heart because you take up 99% of them it wouldnt even be possible now for steph, thats a whole other story steph hates my game and doesnt care for it at all, she knows when i want her to stay but she doesnt anyway because she doesnt think its fair, now, thats okay. right. then that means we dont talk for 4 months, then talk for a couple weeks maybe a month if we are lucky, then stop talking again etc i usually think of relationships or love on a line and me and stephs would just be dots, it wouldnt even be a line and its all constant it doesnt even go up its all the same teal feeling she gives me and again thats okay if you dont like the way i do things or think something is too extreme or think im being weird and thats okay id still love you quietly and make friendship bracelets i knew youd never wear and id be okay with still just being lunch buddies,, ive said this numerous times. like i just hope you know the times you ever felt alone i was always there loving you, even in the splotchy parts you might dislike about 9th grade you were never alone okay? i never left stephanie and i never will we kind of just go our separate ways and just see eachother again with no plan or idea what it will lead to but just know i've always had a plan for us even if we were somehow put in me and steph's gray teal / purple scenario relationship i wouldn't be able to go on without knowing you'll be there through all of it i wouldn't be able to make decisions or have things to plan to make room for us i wouldn't know what to do with all of the love its so used to you like that's why i can't leave even if for a second i feel that it would be the easiest decision that's why i never go through like you always say, it's because i would /gen be so lost nobody else makes an indent like that when they're gone, even for months and months. maybe this has to do with my emotional problem of not being able to react the correct way, maybe. maybe theres a faulty spot in this program or something that makes my emotions so hot and cold for you and i know that not fair but though if i knew for sure id be able to hold you again i would be patient and id get through knowing youre at the end and there is an answer and there is a plan, there wouldnt have to be confusion if i knew you were mine forever, there wouldnt be those dots i hate those fucking dots even more than i hate those bumps we have at some point. that's not me playing games with you that's me trying to do the best for us, but then it always never goes through because there's also that insane part of me that just wants to be your everything and be with you every second and wants everyone to know that you're my favorite person I'm not sure where that middle is, maybe there isn't even a middle, maybe it'll be like this forever and maybe these words are too diluted for you to understand. that's the evil part of me, the evil part that doesn't care about anything else but you but then ironically accidentally becoming selfish. Like I said, there was an actual time where I looked at everyone like the mines in minesweeper or something like they were just part of the game but I was the important one making the decisions, the one who mattered and made the game,, welp the game. like i am actually trying to be a better person, i really truly am but i catch myself still being selfish like how would people fit well for me for MY GAIN do i want friends next year? no. Am I talking to others about classes I want with them next year? yes!!!!! i know i'm going to be put in that situation where i need to look around and pick someone to be with and you won't be there so i'll just have to sigh and (this sounds so bad help) "resort" to another person, yeah i'm not alone but i'm also using people in that sense i know moral of the story i need to stop seeing my world view through such a small tense but really what else can i do????? i dont think im making much sense right now but that's another selfish part of me that wants you to drop everything and stop and do whatever i tell you but if it was natural love, if it wasn't something i had to bring up or tell you or argue with you about then everything would be okay, but no, things still go wrong and i can't just look at you in the eyes and say Red1 i'm a horrible person just do what i say or i'll be upset so i'm sorry you get upset that i don't tell you much, i'm sorry i dont explain the situations like i should sometimes. And I'm sorry I got upset. You don't know what I'm thinking, all of the time. I know I'm the creator of this game so I should be able to make this easier but really this is just the way my brain works, so if you dislike it I know I shouldn't be mad you walk away passively, you should do that, actually. it's what i deserve for being selfish i wish you'd just want me all of the time like i want you all of the time, and maybe you do, but it's never good enough for me that's what steph said to me once, she said she could do everything i asked of her but i would still be unhappy i'm very appreciative every time you read my words or something like i cherish every thought i've had of you i rewind the day before i sleep just so it can last longer just so i can feel how i felt and how you make me feel, i am appreciative. The fact she ever thought otherwise makes me sick. I appreciate all of your traits and the small teeny tiny things I write down that are probably useless information because I know when I think something special that it truly truly is. How could I be unappreciative? Do you think I am? Should I be upset when you don't give me a million percent? Should I be upset when other things literally exist and you choose something else? Is my way of thinking skewed? this is why i think i should really care less sometimes, because then the hurt would be so much less painful but then in contrast would the happiness be less special? would the laughs not give me as much joy? this is a sick sick joke ok i'm done.. you saying you have to be somewhere wouldn't hurt me or make me feel useless, id just say okay Red1 have fun that would be so much easier i'm going to sleep i wanna die now that rant wasn't as stress relieving as i thought it would be bye
hihi did you still want to talk here? send a sign youre still here. Red1 please answer i will literally just kill myself right here right now im so serious Red1 Red1 Red1 i havent felt this hopeless in like a year this is actually horrible i cant even type right now im so serious im about to just fucking kill myself dont say you love me you will just throw it away everything we have why dont you love me enough Red1 why did i give you all of my love just for it to be ended so biter why am i not the exception i thought you loved me the most why cant we just have what we have now why do you hate me Red1 why do you hate me why do you keep rejecting me why would you rather be alone than love me why do you keeping messing witynme like this ever since the very beginning why do you keep doing this to me i did my first everything with you because i thought you would love me the same way i wouldnt have done that if i didnt think you wanted the same i cant forgive you for this like i actually cant like i genuinely have never been more hurt this hurts me so much and it hurts even more because i know i cant do anything about it and this is just the way it is but i dont want to find another person i dont want to leave i dont want to try to find someone who wants me forever i just want you like im not even mad at you im just hurt like seriously so hurt i just want to die this hurts me so much i thought i was good enough like i actually thought you loved me like it's actually so crazy how i thought that i dont want to be hurt like this any more i dont want you to keep confusing me and hurting me and telling me lies i dont want to waste all of my time thinking of something if it will all just be lies its all worthless and this is just a joke and the actual nerve you have to say you love me even now and to act confused when i tell you im sad you told me everything we do is basically wrong in your eyes meaning im wrong and this is all wrong and youve known this whole time its wrong i dont want to keep letting you hurt me it just felt really nice and now i know im an idiot why do you still care about everything else why does it outweigh everything we have even now why does it matter what its called why does it matter in what way you love me i dont want to see you again i dont even want to think of you again i dont want to be reminded of you i know ive said it before but i truly truly mean it now it just hurts too much and itll be like this forever ill always be hurt by this just dont remind me of it just let me move on from all of this it hurts too much i just want to get rid of every trace of this Red1 why dont you love me why am i not enough for you i hate this please just tell me you love me i just want to be with you forever thats all i want i dont want to leave you and i cant leave you i just want to be with yiu when everything is yellow and perfect and i feel safe and nothing else matters i cant do this without you i actually cant do this if youre not by my side telling me its okay i dont get it we want the same thing Red1 there wouldbbe nothing that changes i just want to be sure you wont leave me i dont want to tell others i cant be with them ebcause of a friendship and a girl im in love with who doesnt want me do you see the chokehold youbhave me in Red1 donyou see how youre limiting the love i receive do you see how me loving you so much when its not the same affects me you dont have tgis problem but i want you and i want to be with you forever and i want to share all of the feelings i have with you and only you i want us to have something special that makes us different from others i want us to have commitment and i want us to love eachother without the fear of others getting in the way i want to be able to tell others that youre mine and i dont want poeple to question us i dont want you to keep rejecting me i dont want you to bring up others and i dont want to bring up others myself i just want you why am i still not good enough for you i literally starved myself for 7 months so youd like me i cared and stressed about everything and embarrassed myself so you would look at me i spent so mych time trying to learn eveyrthing about you because i genuinely wnjoyed it and i genuinely felt the happiest even thinking i knew you the most i love everything about you and i mean it i wasnt lying when i said that youre my version of perfection i cant find a flaw i love your smile and i love your laugh i love when i hold your face you close your eyes because just for a moment i can savor you without the worry about what youre thinking or your percetion of me because that matters so much to me i just want to be perfect for you i just want to be the one that you love without a doubt and without the question marks after i go to sleep thinking of you and all the warm yellow moments we have that keep me up and i wake up and immediately get reminded that i have someone to getbready for and i have somone who wants me to be at school no matter how stressed or how horrible others treat me i know you would never do the same to me so its all okay whenever people talk to me about others theyre always saying the most horrible things and i always think to myself Red1 would never do that to me im so lucky i have her no matter the time or situation or if im so disgusting sad my mind always wonders back to you because you make everything warm and safe and you make me feel like life is actually worth it without you i genuinely wont know what to do id feel so lost and hopeless and i cant feel that way again because now i know thats not the way of life since now i know what being loved by you feels like you cant leave me here like this you cant run out of words with me right now is not the time